Real Eggnog (cooked)

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Eggnog is not a thing in Germany. Which is sad because it is my favorite holiday drink ever. In the states, we even have Silk Soynog, which is also pretty great, considering. I am not sure why Germans don’t have eggnog, but I have some ideas. If you live here, you will have noticed that most Germans are extraordinarily svelte. 

First off, they don’t eat anywhere near as much portion-wise as Americans do. Secondly, they don’t sit around and snack all the time, and thirdly, they have a cultural aversion to fatty, coat your tongue foods, and when they do eat them, they have a thimbleful. I have accepted that even if my fiancé eats twice as much as I do at dinner, he will still have the figure of a matador. It is really rather unfair, so if I want to get through the holidays with my sanity intact, I am going to need some goddamn eggnog! And thus begins the emotional roller coaster ride we American ladies have with food.

This eggnog recipe is really precise, and can be difficult to pull off. I suggest you practice it first, before you make it for a party. The first time I tried making eggnog a few years ago, I followed some crazy foodblogger’s recipe (haha), and ended up with lumpy nog. So so gross. You’re going to need a candy thermometer. Although according to the crazy foodblogger, I didn’t need one, I actually really did need one. They even suggested if it got too chunky, to put it in the blender. Isn’t that horrible? *Shudders*. Darlings, I promise I will never ever suggest something like that to you.

If you manage to pull it off, this recipe is creamy and rich, and since it is cooked you can serve it to diseased and pregnant people, or even diseased pregnant people with utmost confidence!


REAL EGGNOG (cooked)

  • 6 eggs
  • 2 cups of milk
  • 2 cups of heavy cream
  • 1/2 cup of sugar (you can use more if you like it super sweet)
  • 1 1/2 tsp vanilla
  • 1/2 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp nutmeg
  • Optional but highly recommended: rum, brandy, or whiskey
  • Suggested music: Louis Armstrong “I want a Big Butter and Egg Man”

In a pot with your candy thermometer, whisk your sugar and eggs until they are nice and smooth. Stir in the milk, and cook over medium heat, whisking constantly. And I do mean constantly, people. Continue to whisk until the thermometer reaches 160ºF, 70ºC , or just about. If your eggnog is steaming a lot before it reaches 160ºF, only allow it to steam for 5 minutes, and remove it from the heat. Unless you want lumpy nog, and I think we already established that you don’t. It is really hard to judge, and a bit freaky, but you will get the hang of it.

After you’ve removed it from the heat, pour it into your pitcher through a fine sieve, to remove any tiny cooked egg bits. Add your vanilla and spices, and stir in the cream. I preemptively pour in a few tbs of rum just so it has that flourish without actually being alcoholic, it adds a nice flavor. You can always add more once it is cold. Refrigerate overnight for best results, and stir it before you serve it.

DIET TIPS

I have not tried this personally, so these are only ideas in embryo. Sheesh! All this talk of eggs has me on a pregnant embryo bent. Anyhoo, if you try it, please comment and tell me how it goes, k?

You can use all skim milk (which will be extremely thin), or vanilla soymilk and soycream, or coconut milk and coconut cream, and you could also try using stevia or agave nectar, which is lower in glucose. I can’t think of a way of making it vegan. Moop.

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